Hot for Edward
by ItsaMr.E
Summary: There is a newcomer to Forks, Washington and he's got a thing or two to say to Edward.


On the lone and leaf strewn roads of Forks Washington, a silver Mercedes stalked the streets. Slowly it turned down corners and little known avenues, the car turned into a dirt road and stopped. The driver's side window rolled down, and the driver leaned his head out out. His face was ordinary, his face slightly rounded but showed a hint of tone and muscle, eyes concealed under a pair of oval framed sunglasses, a cigarette hung nonchalantly from his small mouth. He stared out into the wilderness and slowly exhaled his cigarette, "damn" he muttered and rolled the window back up, the car slowly crept up the dirt road. He drove for what seemed like forever, until finally he reached the top of a hill. There in front of him stood a magnificent house, a lawn like a sea of green before it, and a mailbox that read "Cullen". On its long curved driveway sat an Aston Martin Vanquish, and a little ways away from the house a glorious white gazebo with the faint images of two people cuddled up inside it.  
The car pulled in behind the Aston Martin, the door opened. Out stepped the driver, he wore a simple business suit covered by a long black goat. As he shut the door behind him he flung his cigarette off into the lawn, taking a deep breathe he walked towards the back of his car. He opened the trunk and looked towards the gazebo, they had noticed him, but he didn't care this is what he wanted. He took out a black messenger bag and slung it over his shoulder. He made his way towards the gazebo, hands in his pockets, looking down towards the ground.  
He reached the gazebo shortly; he looked up at the two figures that had been sitting there watching him the entire trip. He smiled and overly friendly smile, "Good day my name is Ash" He then truly looked at them. A man and a woman, they were maybe eighteen or nineteen. The boy was overly gorgeous like some lonely girls masturbatory fantasy, his eyes golden in color. The girl seemed pretty, but overly plain although something seemed special about her, not too special but the kind of special that just is and simply is. "What, may I ask are you two doing out here covered up on a lovely day like today?"  
The boy stood up and stared intently at Ash, "well we were enjoying a nice board game. And my name is-"  
"Edward, I know and she is Bella" interrupted Ash. He opened up the messenger bag and reached inside. "I've read the books so I know all about this whole little thingy you got going." He pulled four hardcover books from the bag. "You see, I found out that these weren't really stories but rather a biography." He stepped up into the gazebo and looked down at the game they were playing, "you gotta be kidding me? Seriously?" It was the 'Twilight' board game.  
"I want a do over! I wanted the werewolf." Yelled Bella from her little corner of the gazebo.  
"You can't have a do over in real life, and I said you couldn't see him anymore, not until he starts liking me," yelled back Edward. "Now then what is it that you wanted here? You figured out our little game and now what? You going to go and tell everyone that it is real so all those fan girls can come storm down our door and bother us. Well go ahead we can just move." Edward paced towards Ash, and started tapping roughly on his chest. "Do your worst."  
Ash took a step back and brushed Edwards hand away, "now now, I have no intention of exposing you to the others. Quite the opposite in fact, I mean you're not even really a vampire so how can I expose you as something that you clearly are not?" Ash shot a twisted smile towards Edward and Bella.  
"Of course I'm a vampire, I drink blood and can……ummmm……….run really fast, and jump really high and smell blood." Edward looked up and touched a finger to his chin. "So yeah I am a vampire, also I'm undead and don't have to breath. And..." Edward leapt out of the gazebo into the sunlight. He sparked, like a thousand crystals in the sun, each reflecting off one another. "See! Look!"  
"And I'm special!" Bella yelled.  
"Yes, yes dear, you're special," said Edward as he patted her on the head.  
"And a vampire, rawr!" Bella yelled. Edward kept patting Bella on the head.  
"You see vampire," said Edward confidently. He started petting Bella as though she were a dog. Ash strode towards the two of them; he put one hand on Edwards shoulder and looked him in his golden eyes.  
"Look vampires drink human blood, can't step on holy ground, and don't sparkle…they explode in the sun." He removed his hand from Edward and started wiping it on the leg of his pants. "No, you, you're just a freak. A terrible freak of nature, possible some mistake of god or something."  
"I can't be a freak! I sparkle dammit! What do you call that huh the sparkling?"  
"Cancer?" Responded Ash, "some kind of skin cancer I would imagine."  
"It's not cancer, its what vampires do, and they sparkle." Shouted Edward  
"Not Dracula, he doesn't sparkle I know I've seen him." Ash started walking back towards his car; he put his hands back in his pockets. In the blink of an eye Edward was before him. His face kind of a red with anger and frustration, he looked directly into Ash's eyes. Slowly he pulled his face towards Ash's his mouth partially opened, his hand on Ash's shoulder. His eyes closed and he made contact with Ash's cold crucifix he was holding in front of his mouth.  
"See you're not burning or anything, not a vampire just a freak." Said Ash as Edwards tongue started to wrap around Jesus' body.  
"Oh god you're such a good kisser," Edward moaned with the crucifix being pulled slowly into his mouth. "Oh god this is so wrong but it feels so good," his hand started massaging Ash's shoulder. His hand started trailing Ash's back.  
"Alright you can stop right there, aren't you supposed to be all mormony and such?" Said Ash annoyed. He removed the crucifix which Edward promptly started chocking on.  
"Look, I was harmed by the crucifix, I am a vampire!" Edward replied.  
"You tried deepthroating Jesus, that's why you got hurt!" Ash turned around back to the gazebo. "Don't you mind your wife watching you try to make out with another man? Doesn't that seem a little wrong to you?" He started playing with his pockets, fumbling for a cigarette and lighter. "God what the hell is wrong with you?" he managed to pull out his smokes and placed one in his mouth. "Also you're over a hundred, I'm only twenty-five doesn't that seem a bit creepy to you?"  
"True love knows no age, my Bella is only eighteen and we are in love with each other. I can remember watching her as she slept," his hand started trailing down his stomach, "night after night and she never knew, that's what made it romantic."  
"No," said Ash disgusted, "that makes you a pedophile, a freak and a pedophile"  
"I'm special!" yelled Bella from the gazebo once more. Ash reached her before Edward, as he was still playing with the crucifix. He patted Bella on the head and lit his cigarette.  
"Yes dear, so damn special," he exhaled the smoke above her. "Look I nearly forgot but I'm going to just take care of this thing." He reached into his jacket and pulled out a long silver colt handgun. Edward was back in the gazebo before he could even cock the slide back.  
"You're not going to hurt my Bella," said Edward as though he was playing a role badly. "I protected her against other vampires, the Volturi, and even the werewolves-"  
"I liked the werewolves," interrupted Bella "they kissed me and made me feel like a lady" she said as her head turned to the left. Edward just stared down at her, his face a mixture of confusion and arousal.  
"Yes and I told you they could come over if they kissed me like that as well," he closed his eyes and looked up. His fingers tracing circles around his nipples, "yes, all of them kissing me, only the men though. Their big hairy bodies all over my small fragile one, kissing me taking, augh. Ohhh yeah, baby mmmm Jacob, you're my sexy bitch aren't you." Ash took the time presented with Edward about to get his freak on with himself and Bella's confusion at her husband's behavior to shoot them both in the head. They both fell, and didn't move again.  
"And they died from bullets, yep not vampires." With that Ash walked away from the Cullen household, back into his car and drove away.

End.


End file.
